Samhain Publishing

Squirrels and me. Me and squirrels. I won’t claim to be squirrelly, but when I told friends my next Samhain blog fell on National Squirrel Appreciation Day (yes, there really is one, and today’s the date—check out the link), nobody was terribly surprised.

After all, our neighborhood squirrels are the fattest in three states. They’ve also acquired a certain reputation among the local raptor community. I think it was the Cooper’s Hawk they punched out.

Well, it was bird-brained of the hawk to try to wrap its talons around something which outweighed it by around (a very round) pound. It might’ve worked for Henry Hawk in Looney Tunes, but remember the smartest thing in Looney Tunes is a talking rabbit.

The Cooper’s Hawk failed attempt did serve one very useful purpose, however. There’s no longer any doubt about who sits at the top of the neighborhood food chain. Local hawks still gather on the fence from time to time to reminisce about how big they were back in the day, but that’s as far as it goes. After a minute or two, they shake their heads sorrowfully, maybe kill a pigeon or two, and leave.

Plus, I like squirrels. I think they have a lot to recommend them. In fact—unlike the hawk who was too stupid to know when it was licked until it was down on the ground and squawking like a chicken—I think squirrels make sterling models for romance heroes.

Hear me out. I’ve got thirteen points to make. So it’s not quite Thursday. It’s close enough for squirrel work, anyway.

Thirteen reasons why squirrels are good models for romance heroes:

They’re smart. No matter what the advertising says, they’ve never yet made a bird feeder that a determined squirrel couldn’t crack. And face it, there isn’t anything sexier than smart.

They don’t take themselves too seriously. They see nothing wrong with entertaining you for hours. And they work for peanuts.

They understand the value of teamwork. If one squirrel isn’t up to the task of hacking into a given birdfeeder, he’ll find a buddy to help.

They’re thrifty, always putting aside nuts for a rainy day. Or any other time they need a snack.

They believe in sharing. They stow their nuts where anyone can find them. Dig one up and it’s yours. Buried treasure for all—without all the fuss and bother of sand traps or undead pirates.

They’re conservationists. They were planting trees before most of knew how to pronounce “green”. Maybe it wasn’t what they had in mind for those acorns or nuts, but you’ve got to admire the results.

Their teeth never stop growing. This is a big plus for the vampire fans.

They understand the importance of a good wardrobe. That’s why they come with so many designer options: black, white, gray, red, even stripes!

They’re omnivores. Translation: You can feed them anything, and you’ll never hear them complain, “That’s not the way Mom made it.”

They come in diurnal and nocturnal flavors, which means there’s a perfect squirrel match for both the morning people and the night owls among us. And the night squirrels know how to fly. (Remember what I said about the teeth? Rinse. Repeat.)

Even the non-flying varieties are able to leap eight feet. A couple years ago, one particularly plucky gray squirrel was filmed leaping over fifteen feet to escape a burning building. It landed unharmed. What action hero wouldn’t find it useful to leap eight to fifteen times his height in a single bound?

They’ve got financial muscle too. According to Wikipedia, they’ve taken out the NASDAQ stock market twice. (Hmmm, maybe we’re looking at the current economic crisis all wrong.)

And the number one reason why squirrels make great models for romance heroes: It’s all about the nuts, babe. All about the nuts.