Before a recent family get-together, I got a brief e-mail from my brother-in-law asking me to bring along a copy of one of my books so that he could take it to my husband’s aunt. Now leaving aside the sort of obvious response to that—“Gee, Bob, can’t you afford to buy my book?”—I could see other, more long-range problems. My husband’s aunt is an 87-year-old unmarried lady; once upon a time, you might have called her a spinster. While I may not be too sure of Aunt Beth’s tastes in literature, I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t like my stuff.
This is a sensitive question for a lot of us. We write romance because we like it. We read it. We support it. Catherine Wade had an interesting post on her blog about this a couple of months ago, pledging that she would no longer apologize for writing romances and asking the rest of us to do the same. I’m with her all the way. But at the same time, I know some of my friends and relations won’t like what I do because they’re not fans of the genre. I’ve already had a friend tell me she liked my first book “except for all the sex.” If you read romances, the fact that my books have a lot of sex scenes shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. If you don’t, it may be a bit of a shock, to say the least.
So what do you do when your grandmother wants a copy of your book? Or your grade-school teacher? Or the pastor’s wife? Or your colleague at work who reads mostly literary fiction? Samhain requires its authors to write warnings that are posted with the book description at the Samhain Web site. These are mostly good-humored (hey, we try to be witty about it), but they also serve a serious purpose. Samhain doesn’t want readers buying books with content they’ll find offensive. So how do you head off a friend or relation who might be similarly upset by what you’ve written?
So far I’ve tried the straight-forward approach, telling anybody who asks that, yes, my books do include fairly explicit sex scenes, but no, I’m not writing porn. I have no idea how erotica writers handle this, but I’ll bet they’ve had to come up with ways to alert their maiden aunts before they buy their latest books.
The problem for all of us may be that reading and liking romance is still regarded as a guilty secret by a lot of people, even though it’s one of the best-selling genres in publishing. It’s always possible that my husband’s aunt has been reading romances for years and would look at mine as just another on her TBR stack. But she’s never mentioned it, and I’m not sure how to ask her. So for now, I’ll just tell my brother-in-law that I don’t think my book would be right for Aunt Beth. And then the next time I visit her, I’ll check her bookshelves for copies of Nora Roberts or Danielle Steel or even Barbara Cartland.
And if I find them, I’ll be sending her autographed copies of my books—ASAP.
Would You Like My Book? Are You Sure?
By admin on October 1, 2009
Comments
20 responses to “Would You Like My Book? Are You Sure?”
My grandmother wanted a copy of my book when it came out in print. I signed it and gave it to her. When she died, we found it inside a fabric Christmas bag stuffed in her dresser drawer. She never read it, but she wanted it because it was mine. She doesn’t like scifi, which saved me on this one, and yes, she was an avid romance reader. She considered my genre “not real and impossible to happen.” Personally, I’m glad she never read it, because she would have washed my mouth out with soap and lectured me really good on the content. I never made a secret of what I write. They can like it or not. I really don’t care. My only rule is if you read it, I don’t want to hear about it. They are family after all.
Hmmm. Maybe I should just give Aunt Beth the book and hope she tucks it away someplace.
This summer my father in law informed me that he’d checked my book out of the library and was reading it. Leaving aside the fact that I’d begged my MIL not to let him read my books – he’s an avid lit-fic and historical fiction reader – this is the man who keeps promising to carry my checkbook when I’m a big literary star. snort Hello? Royalties would have been nice!
He never commented one way or another on it. MIL said she read it after he did and “it kept her interest”. I think that despite my warnings, the spice level of the book did shock them. They’re still supportive, though, which is nice.
I think all I can do is be honest about what I write, and if family or friends are shocked, well, it’s not like I didn’t warn them.
Sigh, yeah. And then you feel like a jerk when you say, “Thanks for your support, but you probably won’t like this.”
My parents have read a few of my books. My father did say the same thing your friend did: he’d have liked them better without all the sex, but my mother had no problem with it. In fact, she wanted a second copy of one of the books because she wanted to give it to a friend of theirs—_who’s a priest!_
I’m still kind of sorry my father talked her out of it.
My grandmother loved “spicy” romance novels. When I moved in to help take care of grandpa when he got sick, I would read a book and pass it to her and we’d gush about our favorite parts. She was a spunky, fun loving, hard working woman who when asked about her reading prefrence she scoffed; “Sheesh! You think there’s something in there I don’t know?” Gotta love that woman…
on the other side of that coin is my husband and my church. I am a born again Christian. I love God. I teach sunday school. I go to church twice a week and pray before every meal and every morning and night. I have been blessed to lead many people to the Lord thru prayer…and my church preaches from the pulpit against romance novels… they say it’s no different than porn. My husband feels the same. It’s a conflict that makes me cry often.
I LOVE the genre. I love a steamy love scene. I love reading about people who over come all odds to find true and endless love.
They say that the problem with romance books is that they create unrealistic sex expectations that people can’t ever have in real life… WRONG. My husband is AMAZING and has brought me to places that go beyond what I can describe in books. The first time we made love, it lasted 9 hours….no joke. So much for that theory.
So, what exactly is wrong with it then if it doesn’t make unrealistic desires? And what about Sci-Fi? I don’t hear them preaching that Star Wars makes people dissatisfied without thier own space ship.
It sure would be nice to have the support. I hate that the people closest to me can’t be happy that I’m a writer and writing what I love…
Gee, PG, your Mom sounds like the ideal reader. Lainey I think you’re fighting a version of the same battle we’re all fighting, trying to make people understand the romance doesn’t belong in some back corner.
Terrific blog topic, Meg!
My sisters read my book, even helped me edit it. The sister who lives with my Dad had a heart-stopping moment when she thought my Dad might want to read my book. LOL My books are not that “spicy”.
Last night I went to a meeting of a women’s writing group I belong to. They’d chosen my book to read and discuss. One of the ladies said that she never read romance, but she’d been intrigued because when I first told her about it I said the h/h are people who have lived a little. She also liked the fact that the title and message of the book was that it was never too late for romance. She may not continue to read romance, but maybe she’ll continue to read my books.
Way to go, Lupe! We’ll reach them one reader at a time, I guess.
This is a great topic, Meg! My mom was the one that introduced me to romance and she handed me a really spicy erotic romance the other day and said ‘I didn’t even know about some of that stuff’!
That said, I have three very close friends to whom I’ve said ‘I write these books, I know you love me and want to support me, but you’re not gonna want to read my books and I’m okay with that.’ Let them off the hook too! 
One did offer to give me $5 bucks cash instead! <G>
Erin
As a reader, I have had to tell some friends that are less “adventurous” that the book that I’m reading has more explicit sex scenes in it. One friend in particular that I trade books with doesn’t really care for the more graphic sex scenes, which is fine, and I just give her an FYI and she just skips over them. But what I found really funny is that I recommended Linda Castillo’s SWORN TO SILENCE, a mystery, to her, and it bothered her much more than any of the erotic romance I’ve recommended and passed on. She read the prologue to it while she was spending the night alone (her husband’s a doc and was on call and out for the night) and she was totally freaked out by the death scene. And with my cousin, all I have to do is say “It’s not for you” and she understands what I mean. But I can just imagine being the author and trying to explain! Yikes!
I know what you’re talking about Meg! When my first book came out with Samhain, I told my MIL that she could buy it if she wanted to support me but she should NOT read it. That’s what she did. I knew she wouldn’t be comfortable with the sex scenes even if a stranger wrote them, never mind her daughter-in-law! Then her brother-in-law read it – she had to print it out for him because he doesn’t even have a computer, he’s 80 years old and reads Harlequin romances. His opinion: “This is pure porn.” I was really hurt by that. So I don’t encourage any of my family to read my books, even though I think they’re good stories, but that’s kind of sad.
You’re all ahead of me in that your relatives have already seen your books. My in-laws expect me to bring copies at Christmas. (shudders) I’ll have to figure something out by then!
Oh Meg, this is EXACTLY what I’ve been dealing obsessing over – it’s just nice to know that others deal with it.
I write under a pen name (I have a whole whopping one novella under my belt). My one book is very explicit but no, I wouldn’t call it porn – I was horrified to know my FIL read it, but he said he liked it. My mom wants to read it and I said NO…I’ve warned everyone not to tell her my pen name. If she read my sex scenes she would FA-REAK out…she was considered a prude in 1957.
See, I’m a church going Christian, and my daughter is in a parochial school, and if my church or my daughter’s school knew I write graphic blow jobs I don’t know what I’d do!
Why didn’t I think of all this before I got published? Hell if I know…
The chances of either my church or Diva’s school figuring this out are pretty low…unless they stumble across my sister’s Facebook page, where she’s trumpeting my accomplishment.
It’s a constant worry, but I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I’m trying to finish a full length novel, and it’s just as graphic.
I know…it’s like listening to someone bitch about her weight while she eats the fourth piece of pie (hey! I’ve done…never mind).
On the plus side: one of my sister’s friend’s husbands read my sex scene and said “Wow. Her husband’s lucky!”
I’m also using a pen name because when I started out I was in a profession where writing romance would not have gone over big (I’m retired now). For a while I agonized over whether or not to tell anyone what name I was using. Then I figured, screw it, I’m proud of my books.
Lainey, I wish you could come to my church. In one corner of the basement kitchen there’s a stack of romance novels that rotates frequently as people take one out or bring one in. What’s not to like about a church and loves love in all its forms?
(And Meg, PLEASE accept my apology for posting on top of you yesterday. I had a major brain cramp and didn’t set the publish date as I should have!)
No problem, Carolan. We’ve all been there!
My mother gets annoyed if I don’t give her my books to read—even though her comments range from ‘you can do better than these silly little sex books’ and ‘my friend says you’re good, you could probably write a novel’. Ah, I thought I had? I wish she would buy them and not read them but she insists—then complains about the sex! Sigh. Then my hubby’s grandmother wanted to read one and my MIL sent it to her without my knowledge. I shudder to image her 82 year old self reading the sex scenes—and that was my most sedate book so far. I can’t bear the thought of her reading my more ‘adventurous’ stuff. I wish they could all just pretend my alter-ego doesn’t exist
.
This is a real problem for an erotic romance author. No good advice here, but plenty of sympathy.
Wow. I figured this would be even harder for erotic romance writers, and it is. On the other hand, I have a friend, a prolific erotic romance writer in her seventies, whose son delights in introducing her as “my mom, the erotica writer.” So some families are cool with it!