Samhain Publishing

New Year, new life. Or at least, I have to find a new life for myself, without my beloved Mom, who died 2 days before Christmas. I don’t want to be a downer here, but this event is one of those defining moments of life that should be commemmorated and examined. I am learning by leaps and bounds about tragedy, grief, sorrow and despair – emotions I thankfully didn’t have much experience with before. As a writer, I tend to sit back and watch life pass me by, examining each happening with a kind of weird detachment. This is one of those times that it’s especially hard to be detached, but that learned detachment is at times helpful in dealing with the overwhelming emotional storm. At times it can also cause there to be a distance between me and my fellow man that is disturbing.

All of these things are part of my internal dialog as I try to figure out what shape my life will take from this point forward. See, my Mom was my best friend. I know that’s a cliche, but let me explain a bit. For the past eight or nine years, since just after 9/11, I’ve been working for myself and living back at home with my parents. I’m a native New Yorker and was working in Manhattan until two weeks before the Towers fell. I always felt a higher power guided my decision to quit that job on Wall Street two weeks before the attack, but that’s another story…

9/11 caused a radical change in my life. I went from independent Wall Street executive to unemployed single girl living back at home with her aging parents, living off her savings. It took a while, but I figured a way to create a new life and new career for myself. I was realy happy, going back to the bosom of my family and spending lots of quality time traveling and sharing everything with my favorite person in the entire world – the only person who really “got” me and that I trusted to give me wise counsel – my Mom.

Then in September, she fell ill and in October she got a diagnosis of Stage IV cancer. By late December, through a series of unfortunate events, she was gone. It shouldn’t have been so fast and I believe we made decisions that seemed reasonable at the time, but that actually hastened her death. I feel cheated out of the time we should have had together and strongly feel she should be here now. Something is just WRONG with they way it all went down, but I’m helpless – as I was at the time – to do anything about it. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Going through this incredible grief is something I have never done to this deep an extent. It’s also time to reassess my life path again. Living comfy at home these past years and becoming a writer has made me into a bit of a hermit. At a time like this, that’s really not good. I don’t regret a moment of the time I spent with my Mom and Dad. My only regret is that it was too damned short.

Now it’s just me and Dad. He’s having an even harder time than I am with all of this. My parents were married for 54 years and were happy each and every one of them. They had what I consider the perfect marriage. I’ve been planning my conference schedule for the year and realized I can’t really leave Dad alone in this house full of memories. If I go to any events this year, it’s likely I’ll drag him along. So if you see me with an older guy, please say hello.

To those of you who’ve been through this, you have my deepest sympathy. I never really understood this depth of despair before. As a writer, I’m finding it a learning experience. As a single woman who’s missing her mother, it’s just awful. A small part of me is hoping that this new understanding will somehow make me not only a better person, but a better writer.

I’ve always believed in the advice “write what you know.” I’ve always hoped my experiences as a scientist, business woman, traveler, city dweller and martial artist have helped add hints of authenticity to my books. I can only imagine how this emotional tsunami will impact my writing in the future. Hopefully it will be for the better. If not, I’m sure you’ll let me know.

Speaking of which, I’ll have a new book out from Samhain next Tuesday. I hope you’ll like it. My promotional efforts have been paltry at best because of the incredible upheval in my life. My Mom was so supportive of every little success I had. The last significant event – the arrival of my first-ever box of paper ARCs from my NY publisher – was impossible to celebrate. Mom saw the books and smiled, but she was so ill from the chemo, what should have been a happy milestone on my career path turned to a cause for tears, knowing that she couldn’t join in my joy – a circumstance that turned my joy to ashes. Since then, more boxes of books have shown up on my doorstep and all they do is serve as bitter reminders of that moment.

I suspect it will be a long time before I can enjoy the little milestones of this career without remembering how I used to tell my Mom every little thing and receive that unconditional happiness for my every small success. Sure, my Dad is supportive, but it’s not the same. He’s a very quiet man and not very demonstrative. We’re growing closer and talking more as a result of recent events and that’s a good thing, but it’ll never be the incredibly close relationship I had with my Mom, who was more like an older sister and/or best friend.

But I continue to write. I have contracts to fulfill. I’m not sure how recent events will change my perceptions and my “voice” as an author. As I said, I’m sure you’ll let me know. In the meantime, I hope you’ll all take a moment from the frivolity of celebrating the New Year to examine your lives and your families. Cherish the ones you love and give your Mom – if you’re lucky enough to still have her – a hug for me.