I recently began work on a project unrelated to publishing that required some research on the older woman/younger man relationship craze (also, older woman/younger woman lesbian relationships). With the popularity of the newer show Cougar Town, I assumed I’d find nothing but positive data. However, as is the case with a lot of things that go against society’s general grain, I found a fair amount of the ick factor.
Some liken a “cougar” (i.e., older woman) dating a younger man (or woman) to pedophilia even if the man is in his thirties. Others view, say for example, a 48 year-old woman involved with a 27 year-old young hunk, with indifference or mild aversion—that is to say, they’d never be caught dead with a man even one day their junior, but they find nothing wrong with others enjoying this sort of relationship. There also seemed to be many other factors swaying the varying opinions, such as, whether or not they had children in the YM’s age group, and if so, what the ages of their children were in comparison to the various examples of OW/YM relationships flaunted in the media, prior experiences with family or friends in this sort of situation, and their own familiarity with bad/good relationships with older/younger people whether they’d been romantically involved or not.
Over the years, I’ve known a few women who’ve dated and/or married younger men. In all situations, I can unequivocally say they seemed far happier than when they were involved with older men, and they had this indefinable glow of youth and confidence about them that wasn’t there before meeting Mr. Cub (“cub” being a term often attributed to the younger man dating a cougar).
In the Hollywood scene, these couples come to mind: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, and Diane Lane and Josh Brolin (although only a three-year difference there), to name a few. Then there are the many movies, The Graduate being one of the most obvious classics. Books, especially erotic romances, utilizing this niche theme are on the rise, as well.
So, in the name of my ongoing research (grin), I would love to hear your thoughts on the OW/YM relationship in general. (All names will be kept anonymous.) Is it an ick factor for you, or do you embrace cougars gone wild? What’s your experience or knowledge in that arena? In your opinion, what’s the acceptable range of age differences? What other prominent OW/YM relationships can you think of in the media? And of course, what movies and books do you recommend that fall into the cougar/cub category?
By the way, Happy Spring, everyone!
Titania Ladley is a multi-published erotic romance author. Her latest Samhain release, KABANA HEAT, is a contemporary ménage set in Hawaii. Don’t miss this HOT love story! Please visit her at http://www.titanialadley.com/ for more.
This is an interesting topic and one my hubby and I were discussing in general this past week. We’ve been married almost 23 years and we are roughly the same age but had he been younger than me, it wouldn’t have made a difference as long as he was mature and the same person he is now. Our whole conversation started because a co-worker/friend of his who is gay just got engaged. We were discussing how we are so happy that he found someone to pledge his life to. Even though we are in our late 40’s (ok, more like almost 50), we only wish happiness and love to anyone willing to embrace it. It doesn’t matter their age, their gender, or anything else just that they are happy together. That being said, I do have a little bit of an “ick” factor with couples whether ow/ym or yw/om and the age difference is over 15 years or so. However, if it’s truly a love match and not a lust match then I would be happy for them no matter the age difference. Good luck on your next book!
Love this topic! I think there is a reasonable span for anyone, like keep it under twenty years people! lol. But there are exceptions to every rule. I recently met a man in his late seventies with a wife who was only in her fifties…and they’d been happily married for twenty-three years. Being an author I was courious and asked a ton of questions and they were awesome. Every one told them it wouldn’t last and they were doomed, but twenty three years later they were still holding hands (and I met them when they were out on thier date night!) No ick factor there.
Personally, I never considered my self a cougar (in my mind I’m forever twenty-two) but my husband of eleven years is six years younger than I am. I think we work because he is a strong ‘Alpha male type A’ kind of guy and has taken over as ‘the man of the house” since the first day I met him. It works for us in a very romance novel kind of way…I’ve never been happier. No one who knows us has ever questioned our being together. The dynamics that make us work have nothing to do with age and everything to do with chemestry. I’d just love to see someone try and call him a cub…lol…
As a reader, I would have difficulty with a younger man who is not in his 30s. I guess from personal experience I don’t think I or men I knew in our 20’s were truly mature or self-aware yet. But if the story and characters are well written, this may not be an issue. Generally speaking, I would be comfortable with a 10 to 15 year gap.
I don’t have any trouble with the concept of cougars and cubs, especially in fiction. It makes for terrific fantasy. Hey, and if works in real life, more power to the couple!
I do, however, have a big problem with anyone who likens Cougar love to pedophilia. Viewing a relationship between consenting adults as pedophilia (just because there is an age difference) dilutes the impact of the real word, and the real crime.
Now, I’ll get off my soapbox.
January
Tatiana,
After reading and responding to your post and I went and purchased Kabana Heat. It was a great read and can I just say WOW to the love scenes. You wrote such a complex web with these characters and I am so glad you posted and I found it!
Thanks!
PS—January, I totally agree with your statement above!
My husband is 20 years younger than me and we’ve been together for 7 (or is it 8 – he keeps count more than I do) years, and, do you know, no one has EVER commented on the age difference. Or at least,not to my face! He’s very..err..mature, and I’m very…not, so it works for us.
In my novel Slightly Foxed, the heroine is 15 years older than my hero and they have a great relationship. I based it on my own, where my husband and I were friends for nearly 2 years before we even met for the first time. Whatever age the couple are, I think it’s important that they are friends first and foremost. Sex is fantastic but it’s not the basis for a pemanent relationship.
I think it’s wonderful. Where I live, it seems like most guys break forty and then lay down and wait to die. Well, the women in my family live over a hundred years! So, that just ain’t gonna fly for me! I won’t even be ‘middle age’ until I’m fifty, let alone ‘old.’
Of course, there are plenty of women who break forty and just lay down and wait to die too. And then their men start wondering.
I say once you break into your twenties, age is irrelevent. It’s all in your attitude and working to keep yourself as healthy as possible.
Bring it on!
P.S. Yes, I’m older than my husband.
Well here is the thing about younger men. There are so many fewer issues attached.
I mean if I look at men my own age, it is rare to find one without a marriage or two under his belt meaning there are angry ex-wives hanging about, as well as a few children, and baggage enough to need a valet with a big luggage cart. And if they haven’t been married by the age of 40, that big old red flag begs the question, why not? What’s wrong with them?
But younger men…it’s like a clean slate. And you can text them at crazy hours of the night and they don’t care, or complain, but are simply happy to talk, or text. Okay, you many have to explain to them about things well within your realm of experience that happened before they were born, but that opens all sorts or opportunities for good conversation.
And they have really nice, hard bodies. Not that I’m talking from experience or anything. And the older author/younger bull rider romance in my book, UNRIDDEN, was not based on real life whatsoever. LOL!
Cat Johnson
http://www.catjohnson.net
This is a very interesting and fun topic to “talk” about. I don’t think love has age limits – providing all involved are of legal age, of course. Who cares if one person in a relationship is older (like a “cougar”) or younger? Love is too hard to find as it is, so why put another limitation like age on it? If you find a person who has similar likes, interests, background – whatever you’re hunting for – should you dismiss the possibility of love because they aren’t of the same age? I don’t think so.
I’m no “cougar” since my hubby is only 2 years younger than I am, but I’d love him just the same if he was even younger.
The same holds true in books. After all, if the heroine can love the hero who is also a shape-shifter, then age really becomes irrelevant, doesn’t it?
Beverly Rae – http://www.beverlyrae.com
COUGAR – She likes her men rough, tough and two at a time.
Cat writes “And they have really nice, hard bodies. Not that I’m talking from experience or anything. And the older author/younger bull rider romance in my book, UNRIDDEN, was not based on real life whatsoever. LOL!
Cat Johnson
http://www.catjohnson.net”;
LOL Cat, and Unridden still remains one of my favorite books that I read time and time again. Anxiously waiting Chase’s story!!
I have no problem with the older woman/younger man scenario. I don’t particularly like that women are called predators (cougars) just because they date younger men. I’m fine with the concept, but the term rubs me the wrong way.
~TJ
Thanks, everyone, for your comments!
Sharon — I think you’re right, happiness is key. The age difference seems to be more the issue to a lot, no matter the sex combo (ow w/ ym, or om w/ yw), than the fact that the oldest is a woman. Thanks for the good-luck wishes, and for purchasing Kabana Heat! I’m totally thrilled you enjoyed it, and that the love scenes wowed you.
Lainey — Aw, that is so sweet that they’re still holding hands after so long! LOL on calling your hubby a cub. It’s so awesome that the 6-year difference in age doesn’t get in the way of your love. Wishing you many, many more years of happiness together!
Allison — Yep, you hit it on the head. I’m finding that 15 years is about the average acceptable difference in ages, and 30 seems to also be the magic number many often accept for the man.
January — There’s definitely a fine line to walk with it, and you make a good point. “Adult” is the key word, though the view on what constitutes adult—or even if the two are adults yet the age difference still feels like a problem—seems to often be swayed by a person’s experiences and unique perspective on all the factors playing into the issue.
Jane — Congrats on the success of your ow/ym marriage—woot, you go! Slightly Foxed sounds wonderful, btw. Jotting it down on my list.
Kimber An — Awesome on women in your family living to 100! Regarding the twenties, I did find this in my research, that about mid-twenties is the bottom line, but over 30 seemed to be more the magic number…and yet, like you say, it’s attitude. Besides, 30 is just a number. LOL
Cat — Yes! I found this point, too. Many women who are interested in ym are looking for less baggage. I think it’s sometimes the other way around, too, that older men who date younger women are often just in search of someone who comes with less issues, since many mature adults might just be getting out of complicated marriages. BTW, hard bodies and Unridden both sound fantastic! evil grin
Beverly — You’re absolutely right, love can be difficult enough without imposing age as yet another hurdle. He-he, love the title of your book, Cougar!
TJ — Yep, yet another point I’ve found in my research, that people have no problem with the overall concept of dating younger, but that women themselves often dislike the term cougar and/or being viewed as a predator. I have found, though, that the term seems to be often used more in jest as a playful label rather as an insult.
Thanks again, y’all, for your input on this controversial subject. If there’s anyone reading this who’d like to comment but prefers not to publicly, I welcome private comments (all of which will be kept anonymous) to add to my research. I’ve provided my email in the form here, just click on my name.
Titania