Swans mate for life, but by nature, humans are more like the fickle hummingbird. Or are they? Is man truly less committed to relationship than a swan?
Evidence for fickleness abounds of course – societal acceptance of casual sex, increasing numbers of out of wedlock pregnancies, high divorce and STD rates. On the other hand, there are those who stay with an abusive partner or one who will never provide them with the loving support they deserve. Why can’t/don’t they pull away?
Blame it on dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin.
uncertain about the process in swans, but in humans, dopamine, a brain chemical, provides the reward that makes activities such as smoking, passing an exam, eating, or sex pleasurable. However, dopamine doesn’t discriminate between actions that are potentially harmful to the organism versus those that are good for it.
Oxytocin and vasopressin are the female and male “bonding” hormones released during intimate contact. They are biology’s strategy for continuing the species, but they put our hearts at risk, even in casual encounters. The connections they produce are what makes it difficult to end an intimate relationship without emotional pain. Even a relationship that is abusive. Avoiding intimacies (kissing, touching, sex) is the best way to prevent such bonding.
If oxytocin and vasopressin are this powerful, then why do some people seem unable to bond at all?
With multiple partners, the main sexual experience becomes the dopamine rush with a reduced or absent oxytocin or vasopressin effect. Literally, a person can get “hooked” on sex without commitment.
While for some this information may be a validation of gut feelings—consider Barbara Meyers blog about bad boys versus reliable men—for others, the discovery that brain chemicals and hormones released during sexual contact have long-term effects on emotions may be more revelatory.
At the very least, such information has the potential to help us better understand why we feel the way we do about an intimate partner, as well as suggest ways of dealing with those feelings (if that becomes necessary). This information may also assist parents trying to help their children navigate a safe passage through our highly sexualized society.
To anyone interested in reading more, I highly recommend HOOKED: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush
Bottom line, what science is now telling us is that the best way to pursue happiness and well-being in a relationship might well be to more closely emulate the swan.
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A former professor and toxicologist, Ann Warner, is the author of two contemporary love stories: Dreams for Stones, an Indie Next Generation Book Award Finalist and the sequel, Persistence of Dreams a 4-star Romantic Times pick. Visit Ann’s Website
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