I had a laugh the other day when I discovered Lady Gaga and I share the same birthday (separated by a few decades). We’re both Aries. Both creative spirits. Both independent thinkers.
But she’s filthy rich. And I’m not.
In my quest to discover why I missed my chance at becoming Gaga Prime, I uncovered the truth about all the Zodiac signs. Have a look for yourself.
Aries: The troublemakers of the Zodiac. Never turn your back on an Aries. We are born leaders, whether the people around us want a leader or not. All Aries are hard-headed and two-fisted. We never walk when we can run. And we never sleep because that wastes too much time. No one likes us because we’re just too bossy.
Taurus: My best friend is a Taurus. Mean. Blunt. Belligerent. They’re brawlers. But they’re handy to have around if you’re ever in a bar fight. They’ve got a heart as big as a mountain. And a knuckle sandwich to match. Taureans always have your back. All you have to worry about is your front.
Gemini: Oh my gosh, Geminis can talk. They’re the only sign I know that can argue both sides of an argument—at the same time. Even Libras can’t do that. Intelligent and animated, they have no Off switch. Never throw a party without a Gemini. (They’ll invite themselves anyway.)
Cancer: My hubby is a Cancer so I know this sign intimately. Cancers are deep emotional wells. Their home is their castle. For that matter your home is their castle. They’re not picky whose home they commandeer. I love my Cancer people. Except when they’re moody. Or hungry. Or crabby. Oh, boy.
Leo: Leos cannot live without two things in their lives. Mirrors and Facebook. I have two sisters and a mother who are Leos so I have firsthand knowledge. Leos are bigger than life. They can out-argue anyone. They are also criminally beautiful. God, I hate Leos. Oh, wait. Did I say that out loud?
Virgo: Every Virgo person I’ve ever met has been very generous and hard working, but I think there is something seriously wrong with them. They’re always cleaning stuff and organizing their desks. That is not natural, people. Someone has to stop them. I think that’s why they invented Scorpios.
Libra: Libras are all about fairness and balance. Good people to have around when you go to Yoga class. Nobody does a Downward Dog Pose like they do—even when they’re drunk. But must we have a committee for everything, Libra? Just make a decision. Better yet, let me make a decision. Go makes us margaritas.
Scorpio: Oh, these people! They will embarrass you at the drop of a hat. And they’re uber smart. I have a sister who’s a Scorpio (stay with me, I have a big family). Thank goodness, she’s a little sister. I managed to leave home before she brainwashed me. It was too late for the dog. Scorpios are outrageously fun. But they’re mean drunks. Keep ‘em in coffee. They probably chew theirs from the bean.
Pisces: Pisceans have a remarkable memory—for 1989. The rest of their memory is hit or miss. They often wear a sweet, but lost puppy-dog look in their eyes, right before they bite you in the leg. Albert Einstein, Michelangelo and Dr. Seuss were all Pisceans. Show-offs.
Sagittarius: These are the world travelers and philosophers of the zodiac. They also like to eat very strange food. If there was an easy (and safe) way to do things, Sagittarians will ignore it. It’s the only sign in the Zodiac who wears bandages and iodine as a badge of honor.
Capricorn: You guessed it. I have special insider knowledge because of another family member, a brother. Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and a pain in the keester. They are the worriers of the Zodiac, always griping about problems that don’t exist—yet. Hmm…the economy, global warming, overcrowding. They may be on to something. Now where did my brother go?
Aquarius: Aquarians like to get naked. Often they have deep philosophical discussions, pondering the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Almost always that discussion is held with a potted plant or an invisible friend. Aquarians are fun loving free spirits. If you see a phone number scrawled on a bathroom wall, it most likely belongs to an Aquarius. For a good time, call an Aquarius. That’s why they left their number.
So what do you think? Was I close?
Disclaimer: The Zodiac descriptions in today’s post are for entertainment purposes only. Maria Zannini has no business writing this post because she’s not a trained astrologer. Furthermore, she also can’t sing, so now Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.
Yeah, Lady Gaga was worried. She just didn’t want to show it.
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